I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
