ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
