I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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