mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
