Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so let's talk penis.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
