Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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