I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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