i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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