I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
