my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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