Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
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