I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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