i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
