Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
