What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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