You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize