just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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