i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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