I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
