When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
