whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
