Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
