i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You have to summon your inner elephant
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
