There is no way he is gay with that hair.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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