My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
