Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
