Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
