Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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