Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
