dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
