My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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