So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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