I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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