"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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