Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
