I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Randomize
