did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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