I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize