I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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