so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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