I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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