On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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