Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Screwed.edu
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
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