yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
They took my balls.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
