She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
