I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
high people should be assigned attendants
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
