I love black thongs
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
In other news, I just burned my penis
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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