Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
