I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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