and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
