When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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