im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
