Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
