The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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