mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
