my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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