You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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