**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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