I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
sex in a hospital.. check
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
