remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
