I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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