There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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