I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
