Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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