I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Houston, we have a blender
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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